need him
You Might Also Like
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!