[Bags packed, leaving the ex]
Ex:”I hope you have a slow and painful death!”
Me:”So now you want me to stay?”

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When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside


genie: i shall grant you three wishes

me: i wish for a world without lawyers

genie: done, you have no more wishes

me: but you said three

genie: sue me


“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist


“I wasn’t that drunk!” “Dude, you congratulated a potato for getting a part in Toy Story.”


My kids are 23 and 13 and they still argue about who is my favorite. Warms my heart.

Too bad it’s neither of them.


Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood


*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*


[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]