Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
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If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.