Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
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my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
How to make infinite energy.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.