BAILIFF: do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the
ME: no
JUDGE: [flipping through law handbook] what do we do if he says no?

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Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.


Me? Need a Bag? Nah chill son, Ima juggle this 6 pack of beer and watermelon on my head while riding a scooter.


In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering “I don’t know how you eat that shit”.


My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?


*on a date about to propose*
Date: Oh I saw the funniest jif the other day…
Me: *sliding ring back into pocket*


You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:


if all my friends jumped off a cliff I wouldn’t do it too because cats can land on their feet they’ll be fine


That hot guy you see on the train every day with headphones on? Imagine….imagine if he was listening to a podcast. Not so hot now is he?


*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.


[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!