Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
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I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency