Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
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Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.