I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
You Might Also Like
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.