Baker: this new dough tastes burned and feels like twigs

Friend: tie it in a knot and cover it in salt. It’ll be PERFECT

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As an alcoholic I learned that if the light in the bathroom comes on automatically, you’re probably peeing in the fridge.


First Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid gets their head stuck in something, make sure you get your camera before you help them get it out.


Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.


If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.


I thought I was losing weight but apparently I just forgot to tie my sweatpants.


I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”


Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda


It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone


[if I worked at a mortuary] what would it take to get you into one of our caskets today