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This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”