Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
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[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”