Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
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I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Trying
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.