[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
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Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Still cracks me up
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO