Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Phonetics

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah

I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.

MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.

*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*

*Sits down triumphantly*

*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.

Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.

Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”