Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Victorian Era YouTube comments
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I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
The world is full of terrible people, but there’s none so evil as the man who fries bacon right next door to the gym.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Gas is like $40/full tank
Carrots are like $1/pound
Ya boi is getting a horse.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
I have 6 locks on my door. When I leave, I lock 3. So no matter how long somebody tries to pick the locks, they are always locking 3. Suckas