*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
You Might Also Like
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
#growingpains
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed