Baller is short for ballerina
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I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Experts determine Super Bowl blackout was an electrical issue, also determine grass has a green issue.
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
how did harry potter get down the hill?
Boyfriend planted watermelon seedlings in our garden. I just bought a watermelon to put beside his plant before he wakes up tomorrow.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Oh look a Spider…… Oh look Listerine…. Oh look spider wiggling for life…. Minty fresh dead spider
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Cookie Monster delivering the eulogy at Bert’s funeral. Head bowed low. Stillness. “Me want cookies,” he sadly intones. “Me want cookies.”