Baller is short for ballerina
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*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not