Balls Deep is not a accurate form of measurement.

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Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for. nnNow, I don’t even walk into the right room


I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.


*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados


Possum man
Possum man
Does the 1 thing a possum can
Trouble looms
Over head
He gets scared
And plays dead
Look out
it’s just the possum man


I went to AT&T and asked for a sim card. They told me I had to call them to activate it. See the problem…


[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha


If you’re best man at your mates second wedding, after being best man at the first, is it ok to start my speech with “Welcome back everyone”??


Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.