@Tuna_Lover

Balls Deep is not a accurate form of measurement.

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@Token_Geezer

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for. nnNow, I don’t even walk into the right room

@AsgardianRose

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

@McGrumpenstein

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

@d_duhwit

Possum man
Possum man
Does the 1 thing a possum can
Trouble looms
Over head
He gets scared
And plays dead
Look out
it’s just the possum man

@bearloverbobby

I went to AT&T and asked for a sim card. They told me I had to call them to activate it. See the problem…

@rockymomax

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

@Skinny_fatbloke

If you’re best man at your mates second wedding, after being best man at the first, is it ok to start my speech with “Welcome back everyone”??

@robfee

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.