Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

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My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.


*does coke*
*has unprotected sex*
*smokes cigarettes*
“oh haha no I don’t drink soda because it’s bad for you”


Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?


My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.


[on the phone with my mom]

Me: I think we should get a dog. I really think it would be good to have someone to shower with love and affection right now



[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*


me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”


Mental note, its inappropriate, according to the HR department, to put your hand on the back of a female coworkers head as she eats a banana


Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.


“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”