@mulegirl

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

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@RobbyActually

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

@FABrezebabe

*does coke*
*has unprotected sex*
*smokes cigarettes*
“oh haha no I don’t drink soda because it’s bad for you”

@NOLAN_MA

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

@thepunningman

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

@VisionBored1

[on the phone with my mom]

Me: I think we should get a dog. I really think it would be good to have someone to shower with love and affection right now

Husband: I AM SITTING RIGHT HERE

@notacroc

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

@robfromonline

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

@biggt1973

Mental note, its inappropriate, according to the HR department, to put your hand on the back of a female coworkers head as she eats a banana

@batkaren

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

@protolalia

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”