Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e

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I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?


Cologne companies have no clue what really attracts women.

If they did, every bottle would smell like doughnuts.


My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.


I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.


When you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, it means you’ve been using Apple Maps.


some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]


[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”


Pretty certain the only way I’d ever be involved in gardening is if someone murdered me & planted me in their garden.


The garbage man is late.

I think he’s been cheating on me with some other piece of trash.


Hotel California reviews

“Such a lovely place”

“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”

“Can’t leave”