I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
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Namaste
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
My work here is don’t.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?