After only four hours of deliberation, our toddler has returned a verdict of “not sleepy”.
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Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
The awkward moment when Lady Gaga has no idea what to wear for halloween.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right
[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine