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@MrGirlDad

After only four hours of deliberation, our toddler has returned a verdict of “not sleepy”.

@HatfieldAnne

Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.

@swiftenhaal

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

@sarcasticmommy4

My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.

@blade_funner

My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*

@Cryptoterra

after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host

@DanMentos

me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine