bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
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“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.