Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
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[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle