Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
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The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.