Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
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murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.