Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
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Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.