[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

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Today is the day I release the coyote I trained on Windows 95 back into the wild.


[meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: i’m a big fan of your work


I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.


I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.


Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.


“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn


Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.


My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.


Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.


Every Thanksgiving I say my boyfriend broke up with me so my family lets me overeat without shame.