[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
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A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
channeling her this year
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
A family that plays together cheats.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.