band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
You Might Also Like
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
a McRib killed my tapeworm
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood