I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
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when people leave my 15 yr old sister on read she sends them voice memos of her Screaming
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.