Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
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me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Dishonest mechanic?
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
He’s cranky this morning
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”