“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
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Me: hey stop for a sec
Me: just want to say you’re really (finger quotes)…killing it
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
We’re being punished for making too many things from cauliflower.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic