Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.


when people leave my 15 yr old sister on read she sends them voice memos of her Screaming


If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food


Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.


A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.


[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.


[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes


I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday



Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.