@Darlainky

Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

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@jonnysun

“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN

@Ygrene

[being murdered]
Me: hey stop for a sec
Murderer: what
Me: just want to say you’re really (finger quotes)โ€ฆkilling it
[murdering intensifies]

@amishschool

“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.

@Just_Beachy72

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

@AdamBroud

Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.

@amydillon

It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.

@ClichedOut

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

@ozzyunc

We’re being punished for making too many things from cauliflower.

@PaperWash

“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”

-captain of the Titanic