Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
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Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Me, flirting😏
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.