Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
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My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
moms in horror movies
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards