Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
“What’s your secret?!”
I eat fireworks
You Might Also Like
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*