@TragicAllyHere

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

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@BatBatshitcrazy

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

@RandomAntics

Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

@lincnotfound

friend: what are you doing

me: performing a ritual and trying to summon a demon

friend: …

me [dancing around pentagram]: come on shake your body baby do the conga

friend: its not work—

demon [rising through portal]: i know you cant control yourself any longer

@TheMichaelRock

Mall Santa: what do you want for Christmas?

Me: drugs.

Mall Santa *whispers* meet me in the food court in 20 minutes.

@cloudypianos

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

@ASmallFiction

“What’s this switch for?” he asked.

“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”

Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.

@AmishPornStar1

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

@NewDadNotes

Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?

Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?

Me: oh.

Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?

Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.

@TweetsByKaylee

him: what are you studying?

me: engineering

him: wow! what do you plan on doing with the degree?

me: *drying beer glass* probably this

@MisterBombay

Before Twitter, I’d ignore dumb thoughts in my head like “How do Vampires buy pants if they can’t look in a mirror?”

Now, I tweet them