*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
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If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.