Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
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Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
friend: what are you doing
me: performing a ritual and trying to summon a demon
me [dancing around pentagram]: come on shake your body baby do the conga
friend: its not work—
demon [rising through portal]: i know you cant control yourself any longer
Mall Santa: what do you want for Christmas?
Mall Santa *whispers* meet me in the food court in 20 minutes.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
him: what are you studying?
him: wow! what do you plan on doing with the degree?
me: *drying beer glass* probably this
Before Twitter, I’d ignore dumb thoughts in my head like “How do Vampires buy pants if they can’t look in a mirror?”
Now, I tweet them