*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
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Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
philosophical skeletons be like
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
how it started vs how it ended
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.