bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
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Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Once again not all heroes wear capes
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
“I took care of your clown problem.”
