Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
(bank drive thru)
Me: *puts deposit through pneumatic tube
Banker: This is a can of Pringles
Me: Yes, savings please
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ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Rhetorical is still a word, right?
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
My date thinks he’s gonna get me drunk, & then get in my pants.
The joke is on him, coz my tolerance is sky high & I’m wearing a skirt.