“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
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I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.