@ThaJawn

(bank drive thru)

Me: *puts deposit through pneumatic tube

Banker: This is a can of Pringles

Me: Yes, savings please

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@MarlonBrandNO

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

@jonnysun

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

@Book_Krazy

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”

@MJMcKean

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.

@squirrel74wkgn

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

@BuckyIsotope

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

@radtoria

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks

@Home_Halfway

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

@MartaEffing

My date thinks he’s gonna get me drunk, & then get in my pants.

The joke is on him, coz my tolerance is sky high & I’m wearing a skirt.