Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
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Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Customer is always right
Well well well…
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I feel attacked.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s