[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
You Might Also Like
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Nice try, poison.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
What
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.