[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

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*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?


first rule of fight club is no fightig. welcom to contradicton club evryone hav a seat adn dont hav a seat. also this isnt contradicton club


We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.


“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.


Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”


I think the guy in front of me is trying to resolve the world’s economic issues single handedly at this ATM.


God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish


How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.


Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.