@daemonic3

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

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@AimeeHelene1

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

@jonnysun

first rule of fight club is no fightig. welcom to contradicton club evryone hav a seat adn dont hav a seat. also this isnt contradicton club

@TheAlexNevil

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.

@batkaren

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

@TheAlexNevil

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

@Shock_Monster

I think the guy in front of me is trying to resolve the world’s economic issues single handedly at this ATM.

@NewDadNotes

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

@notalogin

How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.

@ShawnIzadi

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.