[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
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The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.