bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
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I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it