Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
You Might Also Like
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
“That’s what” – She
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.