I’m black. I should be able to stick my finger in milk and make it chocolate milk. But evolution is bogus.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
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[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side.