@ClichedOut

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.

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@TheDailySchmuck

I’m black. I should be able to stick my finger in milk and make it chocolate milk. But evolution is bogus.

@flashember

[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh

@Darlainky

Me: Achoo!

People trying to scare me: Boo!

My bladder: I hate October.

@david8hughes

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?

@AndyRichter

If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth

@2tickytacky

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

@PhuckinCody

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

@Steven37366100

Wife: I think the washer went out

Me: What time will it be back?

Wife: Please get my suitcase

@Derpey

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side.