bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I love twitter
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.