Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

You learn something every day

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.

Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.

[something bad happens to me and I disappear]

Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information

When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

pictures of spider-man

Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”

Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”

Me: “I’ll be right back.”

Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?

NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!

DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

Had an epiphany today.