Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
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Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist