bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
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*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Are these grass-fed oranges?
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]