@rockymomax

Bank robber: EVERYONE BE CALM AND NO ONE GETS HURT
Guy from back of room: IM DATING UR EX WIFE
BR: [sobbing] ok only one person gets hurt

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@UncleDuke1969

*draws a line in the sand*

*looks at the line in the sand*

*decides that it might be time to vacuum*

@ThisOneSayz

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

@rebrafsim

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

@Subtle_Red

You never know how strong you are until you have to move your furniture all alone.

@flower_punk

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

@Midgetspar

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”

@TheToxicWaster

My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn’t planning to spend that much..

@stinky_blinders

It’s been 3 years and my golden retriever has yet to retrieve any gold at all. 0 stars.

@Adyaces

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?