@Gupton68: Thought for the day: Shouldn't you really have more than one thought each day?

@gavinspeiller: Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase "but there's a good chance I'm wrong about that"

@dafloydsta: [at a bar] *sees hot chick check me out* *writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her* *she reads note* "STOP STARING IT'S RUDE"

@ArfMeasures: Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers? FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ

@SortaSarcastic: She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I'm frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don't know karate.