Guy from back of room: IM DATING UR EX WIFE
BR: [sobbing] ok only one person gets hurt

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*draws a line in the sand*

*looks at the line in the sand*

*decides that it might be time to vacuum*


All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.


Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it


You never know how strong you are until you have to move your furniture all alone.


My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.


My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”


My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn’t planning to spend that much..


It’s been 3 years and my golden retriever has yet to retrieve any gold at all. 0 stars.


Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?