@iamspacegirl First date with a hummingbird:
You’re moving too fast.
@rockymomax Bank robber: EVERYONE BE CALM AND NO ONE GETS HURT
Guy from back of room: IM DATING UR EX WIFE
BR: [sobbing] ok only one person gets hurt
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@iamspacegirl 
@TeaAndCopy [SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
@TheBoydP The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
@skitzoette When the space shuttle gets back from its last mission, wouldn’t it be hilarious if we were all dressed as apes?
@Marlebean Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
@FinallyHeSleeps Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
@Schmoodles A WASP LANDED ON MY BARE FOOT AND NOW I KNOW HOW TO RIVERDANCE.
@FauxFawx *calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
@omgthatspunny 
@Poutymcgee SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YA!
*shakes Uncle Johns ashes in a gold plated ornate urn