Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
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*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!