Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
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6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
i was baptized in a car wash
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.