Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
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ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
RT if you could go either way.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.