BANK ROBBER: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

ME: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

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Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.


I’m so pale a vampire just gave me a cookie and a blood transfusion


just accidentally clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like some kind of child emperor


I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.


A flash mob has nothing to do with a bunch of Italians in trench coats hanging out at a playground, apparently.


One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.


When I say books rule you say shhhh



Librarian: SHHHH!


Librarian: SHHHH!

Me: awwww yeaaaah


Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.


Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.