This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
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“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
doing your own taxes
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?