bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
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Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
i spent way too long on this
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.