Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
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BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE