Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
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Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.