Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
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[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.